The best place for me to start is in the beginning... For the first 11 1/2 years of my life I was mentally
, physically and sexually abused by the man I only consider to be my sperm donor.Several years ago, I got into a very bad relationship
where I was being controlled, manipulated and abused ( emotionally and physically ). I have Panic Disorder
with Agoraphobia and for a very long time I was without the medication(s) and therapy I needed to be functional. This condition was constantly being used against me to control me, manipulate me and abuse me.When I say physically abused, I want it to be understood that while there was only one incident where he actually laid a hand on me, there were also plenty of implications that he would hit me. The one incident was more then enough for me to realize I was in danger: I was asleep as he was laying next to me (Claims he was asleep, I'll let you decide for yourself after you read what happened) when suddenly I was in excruciating pain... When I woke enough to realize what was going on, I was unable to break free from his grip. He had wrapped his hand around my forehead, squeezing with all his might on my temples
. I kicked him, flailed @ him, screamed, tried to bite him all to no avail. He had me pinned down with his body weight and my head was pinned to the bed and I wasn't even able to move my head even a centimeter. Nobody could hear my scream of agony as I began to slowly black out, we lived above a bar and there was a live band playing that night. Miraculously he finally released his grip, right before I went unconscious, I rolled over and cried in pain and terror, moving as far away from him as I possibly could. 5 Seconds later he asked me what was wrong... When I told him what he did, he used the excuse he was asleep and it was due to a dream he was having that someone was trying to hurt me.A few months later he took me out with a few of his friends one evening and they all started talking about this new band and really awesome song they heard on the radio and that I had to hear it myself. Well the band they were talking about was Disturbed
and the song was Down With The Sickness. A couple of hours later the song was played on the radio. Mind you, this is a man that was hurting me in different ways and his friends were also a part of it. They all wanted to keep me under THEIR control, only do what THEY wanted me to do; which usually meant being curled up in a ball in some dark corner where only THEY knew where I was at. They thought the music of Disturbed would keep me there...( From the very first beat of the song, I knew this band was not only different, but unique in every way; the music was not only original, but alive! The more I listened, the more 'lost in the music' I became. Finally something that could reach me in the deepest depths of my being, calm the raging beast within, give me a sense of self, bring me some form of peace in the black void of nothingness and give me hope... )
THEY couldn't have been more wrong... Instead of the music quelling my desire to live
, it only made me desire it that much more, to think and act for myself, to keep what sanity I still had and to fight not only my condition but those who were only seeking to keep me down. Fight I did, but in my own way. Not all fights actually have violence involved, in fact this fight was more of a battle of wills, which somehow, I had managed to win against them. I needed the will power to overcome what they were doing to me and move forward and become stronger from what they were doing, not curl up in a ball in some dark corner while they continued to abuse me.For the first time in a very long time, I felt like a person, rather then just a lump of numb flesh. I demanded respect more and more over the course of time and eventually got to the point that I had made it known I would take no more abuse, ever. I started the therapy I needed, got on the medication(s) and started a whole new life...
I was 25 when this journey
of hope and revelation began... I'm 34 now, and while I still have a long journey ahead of me with my condition, I have come a very long way already. Yes I have family and friends that were there and knew what I was going through, but none of them were able to reach me, I was so far gone in my own mind that it was a miracle anything had managed to reach me, but Disturbed did with their music. From the first beat I have loved this band, and I always will love this band.I owe Disturbed
more then words could ever say. There are no words to thank you for all that your music has done for me, but I will say thank you anyways =) I never had the chance to meet you in person to thank you properly, I may never will; but you will always be in my heart and the music lives in the depths of my very soul. I hope that one day I will get to meet you and be able to thank you in person, and if I'm crying, do not be saddened for they will be tears of everlasting joy =)Well this is my story, I hope the words I used were enough to show the great impact
this band has had on me.
No comments:
Post a Comment