Does anyone that does not suffer from this honestly know what this means, does to those that do, how it feels, what it makes those that suffer from it go through?! Hell fucking no you don't! Why? Why, you ask me?! Because I've seen the way people who don't suffer from this look at me, stare at me, judge me, haunt me and hate me...
You all don't have a fucking clue what I feel, think, see from my perspective or go through each and every fucking excruciating moment of every fucking excruciating day, 7 fucking days a week; all fucking year long, for my whole fucking life! Well here's a clue for ya'll, FUCKING LISTEN, and I mean really listen, because that is the only way you may even come close to having a clue.
First off, I have to battle with myself on everything, I mean EVERYTHING I think, feel, want to say, keep from saying and everything else under the damn sun.... You say my hair looks different I can take that completely wrong so I have to always analyze what I'm thinking and what people are saying to me so as to not go completely insane. A simple criticism can be devastating in a sense that if I perceive it wrong, I feel as if I'm being attacked or put down. So if you're going to criticize someone like me, try to be as gentle and constructive as HUMANLY possible, and HELL FUCKING NO THAT IS NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK!
We're human beings as well, we're NOT lazy, we have serious issues that can be extremely overwhelming in a matter of seconds to us. A simple thing like being off our usual daily routine by a second can throw us for a loop and into a panic attack. If we are with friends or family or even both and we go off by ourselves, LET US HAVE OUR SPACE, please. It simply means we're overwhelmed with things and need a few to get back into the right state of mind.
Realize, too please, that Panic Disorder means we scare easily... It's a chemical imbalance that we have no control over. To explain this better: Compare and Animal to a Human... Animals have no seretonin to control their natural instincts, this is what separates Humans from them... A Person such as myself, does not create enough seretonin to control those Animal-like instincts; so primal emotions such as fear, anger ect... Those are not under control in any way. Mind you, we aren't going to just go on a killing spree either >.<
We have our morals, and besides, we dun like conflict really! Most of us are so entrapped in our own homes or in our friend's/family's homes that to even go outside is like asking us to do the scariest thing ever in our lives. A simple task like going to buy groceries is a nightmare for us. Riding the bus to get places, another nightmare. The more people we're around, the worse that nightmare becomes...
Imagine if you would, having a nightmare, no not just any nightmare; but the worst possible nightmare of your life and you are awake while having it.... Getting any idea or clue now as to what this disorder is for those of us who suffer from it? Just think about having such a nightmare from which you cannot awaken... That isn't even the tip of the iceberg to be honest... Maybe a clue for the tip of the iceberg, but barely even that.
Entrapped in our homes is not the only prison we live in... We're also entrapped in our own minds... We never know exactly when we'll have a panic attack, how bad it will be, if we'll wind up having the heart attack along with it or just pass out... Well here is a look inside me mind, but this is only the visible outskirts.... Do ye really dare to know more? o.O
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