Pursuit of Happiness.....

So hmmmmmm.....

Should I make meself miserable for someone who acts like a friend to my face and then talks about me behind my back?

Hell no.... I get so sick and tired of people like this... Two-faced, Hypocritical.... Do not preach to me about the good Lord and how much better you are then me when obviously you need to look in the mirror.... We ALL have faults, I do not proceed to tell people how 'perfect' or 'above' them I am for ANY reason because I KNOW I'm NOT either of those... I get tired of someone looking down on me just because they think that since THEY FOLLOW GOD and I refer to him as Loki I'm sort of 'bad person'... We each have our own perceptions.... You call him God I call him Loki, deal with it..... Go take a few lessons in humility and then get back with me, maybe then I'll talk to you....

So I procrastinate... I admit that I do, I admit when I screw up, admit when I'm wrong, admit when I make a mistake and I'll admit that I do not know much about cooking.... There are no reasons there to look down on me, if you can't admit your own faults then you need to STFU and just step back... Keep pushing me and while I might break, I will explode and I will no longer hold myself responsible when it's because I'm being pushed beyond my limits and then some... I'm done being the bigger person and the target for people to take their shite out on...

I get overwhelmed very easily, when that happens, yeah I screw up and usually big time, but hey... at least I'm trying still.......

The worst thing is, I'm not the only one being put down here.... Another one is being put down and she doesn't deserve it either.

Am I Your Doormat?

Am I your doormat just because I have accepted a duty to help you in return for letting me stay?

I watch the kids everyday while you work, my anxieties make it hard but I still try my best... I am watching them everyday, no day off unless they go to their grandmother's for a day or 2 and this is weeks at a time that I have time off... When I'm sick, I'm still watching them, unless they are away....

You know about my anxieties and all, yet I'm constantly responsible for children that are not even mine... I have gotten sick, been sick for over a month now and yet I'm still getting them pushed on me... Even with another adult in the house I'm getting them pushed on me... I get no privacy, no time away, I try to go to my room for a break from people and still can't get away. Nothing I do is ever good enough for you...

So am I your doormat just because my anxieties won't let me work? Yes? well FUCK YOU then... I am a person who has feelings just as much if not more then you. I deserve to be treated as a human being not as your doormat....

Just Stop This Roller Coaster PLEASE!

Ok, I'm done....

Tired of not being able to take the medications I need to at least have SOME MENTAL functionality, some form of stability, something solid I can hold onto when the anxieties and all that start to overwhelm me. ANYTHING that can bring some sense of peace into this chaotic void known as my mind! I'm not having ups and down... no, that would actually be kind at this point. I'm spiraling down into this black void of nothingness and chaos, and it's closing in fast....

I'm sick of emotional games that men play with me as well. As if I haven't got enough on my plate to freaking deal with! Then I am put on another roller coaster as well as the one I'm on only to be confused and confounded that much more? o.O

Real-freaking-ly, serious-freaking-ly, honest-freaking-ly O.O

I am now lucky to get 2 HOURS, 2 HOURS of freaking rest... NOT SLEEP, no that would be too kind! The 2 hours I do get, I'm lucky to get the full 2 hours at that! WHY?! You're asking me WHY?! Hmm let's see now, could it be the anxieties that I feel on a constant basis? Could it be all the stress from said anxieties? Could it be the panic attacks I have during the night? Maybe a mixture of all of the above?! YA THINK?!

So now you're asking WHY I can't take the medications.... Simply put, NO MEDICAL INSURANCE so therefore, NO DOCTOR.... Although I am quite sure I have explained that part already, if not then I do apologize...

Want more of an inside look? Well here ya go:

Relationships: Oh boy, now here's a mess for you... Those with panic disorder usually don't get to have love for the most part... It's very difficult for us to find the one person who will love us for who we are even with all our faults, let alone be understanding enough with our mental disorders... And when we're in a relationship we NEED STABILITY in said relationship. We NEED TO KNOW the other person is always there and LOVES us UNCONDITIONALLY, not just when we're having a 'Good Day' deal. Yeah it's all or nothing pretty much. We'll give the other person all our love and affection all they want because we want and need to hold onto that love when we get it. Then there is the downside for us no matter what when it comes to love.... Do we REALLY want that, do we really want to put another person through this crazy ordeal just for some happiness? Do we REALLY deserve such happiness? Can we handle dealing with another person's stress on top of our own? These are just some of the MANY questions that run through our minds, on a daily basis even when in a relationship.

Well there you have it, yet another glimpse into the mind of a nobody suffering from mental disorders...

Decisions and Life

So... You want to read more about this crazy lady nobody?

You've got to be just as crazy but here ye go:

Having a panic attack is quite similar to having a heart attack in how it makes the person physically feel. If you've ever experienced a heart attack then you have some idea as to what a panic attack feels like.

Off onto more of my usual rant now: Just because lots of people like me (including myself) do not have a job, you think that makes us lazy o.O WTF ASSHOLES?! Real-fucking-ly, serious-fucking-ly, honest-fucking-ly how about this: Judge not lest ye be judged! Who the fuck are you to judge someone you do not fucking know in any way?! You dunno me, you dunno anything about me, go fuck yourself and have a nice dementedly disturbing day! If you want to open your mind or already have an open mind then WOW! You are a rare person but I thank you for reading!

To continue... Do not get me wrong, I have a lot of respect for people in general but DAMN you all terrify the fuck outta me to be honest. No, it's not exactly anything you may have said or done, it's called AGORAPHOBIA. I dun do well around people in general, add more stress into that mix and BAM! Volatile situations can occur o.O    I am the type of person that when I'm panicking and such, it's best to leave me alone if you do not want a confrontation. I get verbally aggressive unfortunately. I'm pretty sure that shows here in me blog as well...

I know what you're thinking... Why am I not seeing a doctor and on medication since this is all due to a chemical imbalance? o.O

ANSWER: I WAS seeing a Doctor until they dropped me like a dead fly when I moved and then to make that wound hurt more... they no longer offer mental services to patients WITHOUT insurance... SO... While I was on medications I dun get those anymore and NOT BY CHOICE either! No Doctor means no meds that I NEED to be on to function for the most part, and I say this because while even on the medications I still had a lot of issues with the panic disorder and agoraphobia, but ye know what? I TRIED... Yeah that's right, I've tried and tried so MANY times to be independent and each time... I fell flat on me face and then some... Add DEPRESSION into that mix and tell me what ye got >.<

Now tell me this.... Do you know of ANY job where one does not HAVE to deal with PEOPLE or STRESS? o.O

Can't answer that honestly, can ye o.O Now do me this favor, tell that to the fucking JUDGE who deemed there are jobs out there exactly like that... mind you, I've been battling that fight for OVER 3 YEARS... That isn't counting all the years I wound up going undiagnosed and had no clue what the hell was wrong with me...

Now... Also keep in mind that there is NO CURE for what I have, add up the numbers and you will find that there are loads of us out there, many who do not have any kind of voice. We all just wind up slipping through the cracks of the system, forgotten and/or tossed aside like yesterday's trash... Most of us wind up being that homeless guy/gal that ya'll see on the streets running from other people that just happened to walk by....

Still wanna read more? o.O