Just Stop This Roller Coaster PLEASE!

Ok, I'm done....

Tired of not being able to take the medications I need to at least have SOME MENTAL functionality, some form of stability, something solid I can hold onto when the anxieties and all that start to overwhelm me. ANYTHING that can bring some sense of peace into this chaotic void known as my mind! I'm not having ups and down... no, that would actually be kind at this point. I'm spiraling down into this black void of nothingness and chaos, and it's closing in fast....

I'm sick of emotional games that men play with me as well. As if I haven't got enough on my plate to freaking deal with! Then I am put on another roller coaster as well as the one I'm on only to be confused and confounded that much more? o.O

Real-freaking-ly, serious-freaking-ly, honest-freaking-ly O.O

I am now lucky to get 2 HOURS, 2 HOURS of freaking rest... NOT SLEEP, no that would be too kind! The 2 hours I do get, I'm lucky to get the full 2 hours at that! WHY?! You're asking me WHY?! Hmm let's see now, could it be the anxieties that I feel on a constant basis? Could it be all the stress from said anxieties? Could it be the panic attacks I have during the night? Maybe a mixture of all of the above?! YA THINK?!

So now you're asking WHY I can't take the medications.... Simply put, NO MEDICAL INSURANCE so therefore, NO DOCTOR.... Although I am quite sure I have explained that part already, if not then I do apologize...

Want more of an inside look? Well here ya go:

Relationships: Oh boy, now here's a mess for you... Those with panic disorder usually don't get to have love for the most part... It's very difficult for us to find the one person who will love us for who we are even with all our faults, let alone be understanding enough with our mental disorders... And when we're in a relationship we NEED STABILITY in said relationship. We NEED TO KNOW the other person is always there and LOVES us UNCONDITIONALLY, not just when we're having a 'Good Day' deal. Yeah it's all or nothing pretty much. We'll give the other person all our love and affection all they want because we want and need to hold onto that love when we get it. Then there is the downside for us no matter what when it comes to love.... Do we REALLY want that, do we really want to put another person through this crazy ordeal just for some happiness? Do we REALLY deserve such happiness? Can we handle dealing with another person's stress on top of our own? These are just some of the MANY questions that run through our minds, on a daily basis even when in a relationship.

Well there you have it, yet another glimpse into the mind of a nobody suffering from mental disorders...