Just Stop This Roller Coaster PLEASE!

Ok, I'm done....

Tired of not being able to take the medications I need to at least have SOME MENTAL functionality, some form of stability, something solid I can hold onto when the anxieties and all that start to overwhelm me. ANYTHING that can bring some sense of peace into this chaotic void known as my mind! I'm not having ups and down... no, that would actually be kind at this point. I'm spiraling down into this black void of nothingness and chaos, and it's closing in fast....

I'm sick of emotional games that men play with me as well. As if I haven't got enough on my plate to freaking deal with! Then I am put on another roller coaster as well as the one I'm on only to be confused and confounded that much more? o.O

Real-freaking-ly, serious-freaking-ly, honest-freaking-ly O.O

I am now lucky to get 2 HOURS, 2 HOURS of freaking rest... NOT SLEEP, no that would be too kind! The 2 hours I do get, I'm lucky to get the full 2 hours at that! WHY?! You're asking me WHY?! Hmm let's see now, could it be the anxieties that I feel on a constant basis? Could it be all the stress from said anxieties? Could it be the panic attacks I have during the night? Maybe a mixture of all of the above?! YA THINK?!

So now you're asking WHY I can't take the medications.... Simply put, NO MEDICAL INSURANCE so therefore, NO DOCTOR.... Although I am quite sure I have explained that part already, if not then I do apologize...

Want more of an inside look? Well here ya go:

Relationships: Oh boy, now here's a mess for you... Those with panic disorder usually don't get to have love for the most part... It's very difficult for us to find the one person who will love us for who we are even with all our faults, let alone be understanding enough with our mental disorders... And when we're in a relationship we NEED STABILITY in said relationship. We NEED TO KNOW the other person is always there and LOVES us UNCONDITIONALLY, not just when we're having a 'Good Day' deal. Yeah it's all or nothing pretty much. We'll give the other person all our love and affection all they want because we want and need to hold onto that love when we get it. Then there is the downside for us no matter what when it comes to love.... Do we REALLY want that, do we really want to put another person through this crazy ordeal just for some happiness? Do we REALLY deserve such happiness? Can we handle dealing with another person's stress on top of our own? These are just some of the MANY questions that run through our minds, on a daily basis even when in a relationship.

Well there you have it, yet another glimpse into the mind of a nobody suffering from mental disorders...

Decisions and Life

So... You want to read more about this crazy lady nobody?

You've got to be just as crazy but here ye go:

Having a panic attack is quite similar to having a heart attack in how it makes the person physically feel. If you've ever experienced a heart attack then you have some idea as to what a panic attack feels like.

Off onto more of my usual rant now: Just because lots of people like me (including myself) do not have a job, you think that makes us lazy o.O WTF ASSHOLES?! Real-fucking-ly, serious-fucking-ly, honest-fucking-ly how about this: Judge not lest ye be judged! Who the fuck are you to judge someone you do not fucking know in any way?! You dunno me, you dunno anything about me, go fuck yourself and have a nice dementedly disturbing day! If you want to open your mind or already have an open mind then WOW! You are a rare person but I thank you for reading!

To continue... Do not get me wrong, I have a lot of respect for people in general but DAMN you all terrify the fuck outta me to be honest. No, it's not exactly anything you may have said or done, it's called AGORAPHOBIA. I dun do well around people in general, add more stress into that mix and BAM! Volatile situations can occur o.O    I am the type of person that when I'm panicking and such, it's best to leave me alone if you do not want a confrontation. I get verbally aggressive unfortunately. I'm pretty sure that shows here in me blog as well...

I know what you're thinking... Why am I not seeing a doctor and on medication since this is all due to a chemical imbalance? o.O

ANSWER: I WAS seeing a Doctor until they dropped me like a dead fly when I moved and then to make that wound hurt more... they no longer offer mental services to patients WITHOUT insurance... SO... While I was on medications I dun get those anymore and NOT BY CHOICE either! No Doctor means no meds that I NEED to be on to function for the most part, and I say this because while even on the medications I still had a lot of issues with the panic disorder and agoraphobia, but ye know what? I TRIED... Yeah that's right, I've tried and tried so MANY times to be independent and each time... I fell flat on me face and then some... Add DEPRESSION into that mix and tell me what ye got >.<

Now tell me this.... Do you know of ANY job where one does not HAVE to deal with PEOPLE or STRESS? o.O

Can't answer that honestly, can ye o.O Now do me this favor, tell that to the fucking JUDGE who deemed there are jobs out there exactly like that... mind you, I've been battling that fight for OVER 3 YEARS... That isn't counting all the years I wound up going undiagnosed and had no clue what the hell was wrong with me...

Now... Also keep in mind that there is NO CURE for what I have, add up the numbers and you will find that there are loads of us out there, many who do not have any kind of voice. We all just wind up slipping through the cracks of the system, forgotten and/or tossed aside like yesterday's trash... Most of us wind up being that homeless guy/gal that ya'll see on the streets running from other people that just happened to walk by....

Still wanna read more? o.O

Panic Disorder w/Agoraphobia

Does anyone that does not suffer from this honestly know what this means, does to those that do, how it feels, what it makes those that suffer from it go through?! Hell fucking no you don't! Why? Why, you ask me?! Because I've seen the way people who don't suffer from this look at me, stare at me, judge me, haunt me and hate me...

You all don't have a fucking clue what I feel, think, see from my perspective or go through each and every fucking excruciating moment of every fucking excruciating day, 7 fucking days a week; all fucking year long, for my whole fucking life! Well here's a clue for ya'll, FUCKING LISTEN, and I mean really listen, because that is the only way you may even come close to having a clue.

First off, I have to battle with myself on everything, I mean EVERYTHING I think, feel, want to say, keep from saying and everything else under the damn sun.... You say my hair looks different I can take that completely wrong so I have to always analyze what I'm thinking and what people are saying to me so as to not go completely insane. A simple criticism can be devastating in a sense that if I perceive it wrong, I feel as if I'm being attacked or put down. So if you're going to criticize someone like me, try to be as gentle and constructive as HUMANLY possible, and HELL FUCKING NO THAT IS NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK!

We're human beings as well, we're NOT lazy, we have serious issues that can be extremely overwhelming in a matter of seconds to us. A simple thing like being off our usual daily routine by a second can throw us for a loop and into a panic attack. If we are with friends or family or even both and we go off by ourselves, LET US HAVE OUR SPACE, please. It simply means we're overwhelmed with things and need a few to get back into the right state of mind.

Realize, too please, that Panic Disorder means we scare easily... It's a chemical imbalance that we have no control over. To explain this better: Compare and Animal to a Human... Animals have no seretonin to control their natural instincts, this is what separates Humans from them... A Person such as myself, does not create enough seretonin to control those Animal-like instincts; so primal emotions such as fear, anger ect... Those are not under control in any way. Mind you, we aren't going to just go on a killing spree either >.<

We have our morals, and besides, we dun like conflict really! Most of us are so entrapped in our own homes or in our friend's/family's homes that to even go outside is like asking us to do the scariest thing ever in our lives. A simple task like going to buy groceries is a nightmare for us. Riding the bus to get places, another nightmare. The more people we're around, the worse that nightmare becomes...

Imagine if you would, having a nightmare, no not just any nightmare; but the worst possible nightmare of your life and you are awake while having it.... Getting any idea or clue now as to what this disorder is for those of us who suffer from it? Just think about having such a nightmare from which you cannot awaken... That isn't even the tip of the iceberg to be honest... Maybe a clue for the tip of the iceberg, but barely even that.

Entrapped in our homes is not the only prison we live in... We're also entrapped in our own minds... We never know exactly when we'll have a panic attack, how bad it will be, if we'll wind up having the heart attack along with it or just pass out... Well here is a look inside me mind, but this is only the visible outskirts.... Do ye really dare to know more? o.O

My Disturbed Story (Background and the best place to start for me)

Ok before I begin I just want to state that I suck with finding the right words. Having said that, I can only hope that I manage to find all the right words while typing this out so that the impact ( a very positive one ) this music has had in my life actually shines through....

The best place for me to start is in the beginning... For the first 11 1/2 years of my life I was mentally, physically and sexually abused by the man I only consider to be my sperm donor.

Several years ago, I got into a very bad relationship where I was being controlled, manipulated and abused ( emotionally and physically ). I have Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia and for a very long time I was without the medication(s) and therapy I needed to be functional. This condition was constantly being used against me to control me, manipulate me and abuse me.

When I say physically abused, I want it to be understood that while there was only one incident where he actually laid a hand on me, there were also plenty of implications that he would hit me. The one incident was more then enough for me to realize I was in danger: I was asleep as he was laying next to me (Claims he was asleep, I'll let you decide for yourself after you read what happened) when suddenly I was in excruciating pain... When I woke enough to realize what was going on, I was unable to break free from his grip. He had wrapped his hand around my forehead, squeezing with all his might on my temples. I kicked him, flailed @ him, screamed, tried to bite him all to no avail. He had me pinned down with his body weight and my head was pinned to the bed and I wasn't even able to move my head even a centimeter. Nobody could hear my scream of agony as I began to slowly black out, we lived above a bar and there was a live band playing that night. Miraculously he finally released his grip, right before I went unconscious, I rolled over and cried in pain and terror, moving as far away from him as I possibly could. 5 Seconds later he asked me what was wrong... When I told him what he did, he used the excuse he was asleep and it was due to a dream he was having that someone was trying to hurt me.


A few months later he took me out with a few of his friends one evening and they all started talking about this new band and really awesome song they heard on the radio and that I had to hear it myself. Well the band they were talking about was Disturbed and the song was Down With The Sickness. A couple of hours later the song was played on the radio. Mind you, this is a man that was hurting me in different ways and his friends were also a part of it. They all wanted to keep me under THEIR control, only do what THEY wanted me to do; which usually meant being curled up in a ball in some dark corner where only THEY knew where I was at. They thought the music of Disturbed would keep me there...

( From the very first beat of the song, I knew this band was not only different, but unique in every way; the music was not only original, but alive! The more I listened, the more 'lost in the music' I became. Finally something that could reach me in the deepest depths of my being, calm the raging beast within, give me a sense of self, bring me some form of peace in the black void of nothingness and give me hope... )

THEY couldn't have been more wrong... Instead of the music quelling my desire to live, it only made me desire it that much more, to think and act for myself, to keep what sanity I still had and to fight not only my condition but those who were only seeking to keep me down. Fight I did, but in my own way. Not all fights actually have violence involved, in fact this fight was more of a battle of wills, which somehow, I had managed to win against them. I needed the will power to overcome what they were doing to me and move forward and become stronger from what they were doing, not curl up in a ball in some dark corner while they continued to abuse me.

For the first time in a very long time, I felt like a person, rather then just a lump of numb flesh. I demanded respect more and more over the course of time and eventually got to the point that I had made it known I would take no more abuse, ever. I started the therapy I needed, got on the medication(s) and started a whole new life...

I was 25 when this journey of hope and revelation began... I'm 34 now, and while I still have a long journey ahead of me with my condition, I have come a very long way already. Yes I have family and friends that were there and knew what I was going through, but none of them were able to reach me, I was so far gone in my own mind that it was a miracle anything had managed to reach me, but Disturbed did with their music. From the first beat I have loved this band, and I always will love this band.

I owe Disturbed more then words could ever say. There are no words to thank you for all that your music has done for me, but I will say thank you anyways =) I never had the chance to meet you in person to thank you properly, I may never will; but you will always be in my heart and the music lives in the depths of my very soul. I hope that one day I will get to meet you and be able to thank you in person, and if I'm crying, do not be saddened for they will be tears of everlasting joy =)

Well this is my story, I hope the words I used were enough to show the great impact this band has had on me.

Sunday November 21, 2010 3:44 AM

This is me first post and the first Blog I have ever started. A little background on me before you decide to read any other posts in this Blog...

I do not sugar coat the words I write or speak. I tend to speak my mind, I tell all very bluntly. You are reading a Blog by a woman who is no longer anyone, but a nobody who has Panic Disorder w/Agoraphobia, Depression and PTSD. If you are going to judge me from what you read here then know this: You are nobody to judge me and I don't really give a fuck what you think. You may want to take a good look in the mirror and clean the plank out of your own eye before you point out the speck in another's. Sure, I'll take some of the blame for how I FEEL, but for FUCK'S SAKE, take the responsibility for your own words and actions.

There is something seriously wrong with a world when people forget or fail to realize their own responsibility for what they say and do.

Now... If you think you can deal with me in a civilized manner please go ahead and read this Blog, otherwise, STFU and stay out, I got enough shite of my own to deal with.